Being a first-time mom is great. And also scary. And also one of the single hardest things I have ever experienced in my life! But during those caffeine-fueled first weeks, you get to see a side to your partner you have not seen before; especially if he is also a first-timer like yourself. Here are just some of the comical things I experienced with my little ones’ first-time dad:Dad is almost certain that every sound the baby makes means she is pooping! Baby laughs – she’s pooping. Baby squeals – she’s pooping and it MUST be hurting her. Or my favorite, baby actually passes gas – OMG it’s leaking out and we better hover her over the tub until she’s finished!When dad says he will get up with the baby and let you sleep tonight, what he really means is – he will get up with the baby for a maximum of 15 minutes before coming to wake you up, (as if you were actually sleeping and not laying there listening to him struggle through the monitor).The phobia of touching little lady parts. Me – did you wash her girly area? Him- What do you mean? Yeah, I sprayed it down.
….oh great.Dad swears the baby is always hungry! You just fed her 5 ounces 30 minutes ago, but when she starts to cry it definitely means that she is on the brink of starvation and must be nursed back to life with an immediate bottle. Side eye.No matter how many times he has prepared a bottle that day, dad will ALWAYS ask how many scoops, how many ounces, and how long to shake it for. Always.The infamous what did you do all day question? Yeah, it’s real. And he WILL ask it. It must be a mystery how all the clothes are washed, folded, and put away – the dishes are done – the bottles are clean and drying – the baby doesn’t have any throw up on her – AND dinner is on the stove. ‘Cause heaven forbid he comes home and you’re still in your favorite pajamas; it must mean you have done absolutely nothing all day!
But don’t fret new moms! There is always that glorious first time that dad stays home for a full day with baby. You walk in to find: dirty diapers on the coffee table, half-drank bottles scattered throughout the house (there’s even one in the bathroom; why were you feeding the child in the bathroom?), and the baby is still in last nights clothes. Ah yes, on this day you are greeted with the warmest embrace and an apology for ever daring to wonder what it is you do all day!
Yours Truly, The Mom Maid.