Believe it or not – there was once a time when I wasn’t a baby growing, toddler caring, domesticated house wife of a woman. In fact I was actually a young, single, and ready to mingle college girl living in Tampa Florida. Like most single people during this time, I tested out the online dating world and tried Tinder. Now let me start with a disclaimer, I do NOT think online dating is bad. I have a best friend who went on ONE online date and is now happily married to that man. But of course that wouldn’t happen for me, because my life never goes that smooth (j/k, but not really).
Instead of the fairytale story my friend gets to share about her online dating experience, I have a story that could probably go down as the WORST Tinder date ever:
Okay, so I match with this man on tinder and we spark up conversation immediately. He seems funny and witty with a bit of sarcasm, which I personally like. After about two weeks of constant communication, we set up a movie date night. I know what you’re thinking, oh a “Netflix and Chill” kinda date? But no. At the actual movies, you sicko’s. Well, that’s what it was supposed to be anyways.
Fast forward to the day of the date and one hour before he’s scheduled to pick me up, he texts me saying he’s had a rough day and is just now leaving the gym. He asks if it would be super inconvenient to just stay in and watch a movie at my place. Wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, I agree. Plus, I hadn’t even started doing my hair yet, so a messy bun and yoga pants was fine with me! But then I get another text. Saying that his gym is right by my apartment, so instead of driving all the way home, could he just shower at my place? Say what? He wants to shower in MY shower when he has never even met me? What if I was a slob with mold in my shower? What if HE is a slob and tries to use my loofa?! And why can’t he just shower at the gym? Im really not liking this. But once again, I agree.
So I hear a knock at the door and with a little bit of butterflies in my stomach (just being honest, I thought I liked this guy!) I open the door. Pause. This would be the part in a movie where everyone on the screen freezes and you only hear the thoughts of the main character. My thoughts are going something like this – First, omg why is he so short? His profile said he was 5’11’’ and yet I’m at least 2 inches taller than him standing here in my bare feet. He obviously lied about that. RED FLAG. Second, tiny hands. This mans hands are so freaking tiny they look like they belong to a small child. I’m not sure why, but RED FLAG. And thirdly, WHY DOES HE HAVE A ROLLING SUITCASE BEHIND HIM?! No lie people. A rolling freaking suitcase right behind him. Lord save me and also, RED FLAG.
After he comes in and we get past that awkward 10 minutes of meeting someone for the first time, he gets in the shower. This is probably when I should have called a friend to come bang on my apartment door about some emergency I needed to go help with – but I didn’t, cause I’m dumb. Sitting on my couch scrolling through movies we could watch, the tiny man emerges from my room in his most comfortable matching pajama set. I can’t make this stuff up people. He had on long red and black stripped flannel pants with a black shirt that had the same stripe pattern on the chest pocket. I get that we are having a night in, but your pajamas dude? (It didn’t dawn on me right then, but if he was coming from the gym and just happened to change plans to come straight to my place, why did he have a matching pajama set in his bag? Eh, I mean rolling suitcase? BRIGHT RED FLAG.) And in one of his child sized hands was a giant bag of protein powder. He walks over to my kitchen, as if he lives here or something, and plops this bag down on the counter.Side eyeing him from my couch, I watch a giant cloud of protein dust burst into the air. He laughed all nonchalantly and waved his hand in the air as if to help clear it up. Did he even attempt to clean up the layer of powder all over my countertop you ask? Ha. No.
But wait, it gets worse.
After I cleaned up the mess myself, I walked into my bathroom. Not only was his stupid rolling suitcase laying open in the middle of the floor, there was an OPENED box of condoms placed perfectly on my bathroom countertop. OH. MY. GOD. This kid can’t be serious. I mean, pulling a box of condoms out of your suitcase and putting them on display is one thing, but the box is open? This has to be a joke. And now I have an attitude. I prance my little petty self out to the kitchen and say “your stuff is all over my bathroom, can you clean it up? Oh and I see you forgot your condoms on the counter, you can put those away too.” And you know what he did? He acted OFFENDED that I would ask him to clean up his sh*t! Can you honestly believe that? This man was really getting close to appearing on an episode of Snapped as a murder victim.
I couldn’t even make it through the movie people. He tried to do the cute put your arm around the girls shoulder thing, except, he’s tiny. Remember? So I was uncomfortably forced to slouch down just so he could get his arm up and over. It had to have been less than 20 minutes in when I pulled the sick card – “I had lunch at a new spot today and am really not feeling good. I think I’m going to just call it a night.” Any normal person would pick up on that hint and just, oh I don’t know, leave right? LOL not tiny hand man. He asks if I want him to come lay down with me and rub my back? Dear god no. I would literally rather swallow glass than have to interact with you for a minute longer. But this kid just wouldn’t take a hint. I had to verbally tell him, in a slow teacher talking to a child voice, “I would like you to leave now.”
After packing his suitcase *eye roll* he makes his grand exit – matching pajamas and all. I have never slammed and dead bolted a door faster in my life. Looking back, I’m just thankful I wasn’t robbed or murdered that night. Because homeboy definitely had a few missing screws upstairs if you know what I’m saying.
Moral of the story boys and girls, some Tinder dates lead to marriages. And some Tinder dates lead to rolling suitcases, protein powders, and a new blocked number in your phone. The risk is yours.